Let's go joyriding...three times!

Joy Ride                                                                     

It’s been years but I remember liking it then too.  It’s a fun suspenseful road movie with a Hitcher vibe in that both deal with villains on desert highways.  Instead of a hitchhiker, this film contains a trucker named Rusty Nail doing the terrorizing.  I can’t say I’m a fan of the late pretty boy, Paul Walker, but I don’t dislike him either.  Mr. Walker and Steve Zahn decide to have some fun with a CB radio unknowingly kick-starting Mr. Nail’s wrath.  It could’ve been a tedious movie with Rusty taunting them on the open road the entire time leading to the inevitable showdown, but the confrontation occurs halfway and I liked how it was structured to appear finished.  It’s almost like a sequel was already included and its welcome is never overstayed.  This movie’s entertaining.  I wanted more when it ended if that’s any indication.

Joy Ride 2:  Dead Ahead

Fairly worthy sequel with Rusty Nail (played by a different actor) doling out more “vengeance” on a group of young adults heading to Vegas.  It’s still a road thriller with added bits of Texas Chainsaw Massacre and “torture porn” thrown in.  It’s probably not a good idea to borrow someone’s car when they’re not home, even if you leave your number stating you’ll return it.  At least not if that house and car belong to Mr. Nail.  Again, it could’ve been super lame if they were followed on the highway the entire time, but the crazy trucker makes demands for the victims to accomplish off the road.  Horror sequels are expected to increase the bloodshed.  This sequel slightly follows those rules.  Just make sure you watch the unrated version though; I don’t remember violence (other than implied) in the rated one.  I don’t recall much of any from Joy Ride come to think of it, but it wasn’t needed because the suspense kept me occupied. 

Joy Ride 3:  Road Kill

Rusty Nail, played by another different actor, is back and this time his victims are six young adults heading to a NASCAR-like race.  The red stuff tops the first two combined this time.  Just make sure it’s the unrated version again; I don’t remember the rated version being as bloody.  Some of the violence is superb and the chase sequences are extremely well-shot but, like most threequels, the thrill wears off.  It’s still worth watching though.  This is the first movie I saw with Ben Hollingsworth and I’ve been a fan since.  This was surprisingly my favorite movie of his.  I think celebrity crushes are lame but eye candy is always nice especially if the content is somewhat compelling.  Go figure, I like him but not Paul Walker.  Whatever, different strokes folks.

In conclusion:  All three movies are worthwhile.  All three have a different actor (face mostly obscured anyway) playing Rusty, but their voices all sound similar.  The films successively get worse, but not in the sense you should bypass any.  At one time (and possibly still), the entire series was only $7.50 at Walmart.  Totally worth having a Joy Ride marathon every few years, or weeks/months depending on admiration.  The franchise began to lose steam the third time like most trilogies, so I don’t think Rusty Nail needs to return a 4^th time (different actor or not).  I can’t control these things though.  Much like the iconic boogeymen (Jason, Michael Myers, Chucky, etc.), Rusty inexplicably seems immortal.  So if Joy Ride 4 happens, you know I’ll have to watch it (damn OCD).  For now though, enjoy these three.  4/27/2017

---Sean O.

An Alaskan Tale...times three

Balto

Ah, the good old days of hand-drawn animation.  I still cherish those pre-Millennial days before computers handled animation completely.  This movie begins and ends as live-action with the flashback animated.  Set in Nome, Alaska (an isolated northwestern town) during the 1920’s, it involves the titular half-Husky/half-wolf coming to the rescue during a diphtheria outbreak.  Balto is initially shunned for being half-wolf but once he retrieves the medicine needed for the ailing children, he’s lauded for being a hero.  Therefore, differences don’t prevent heroism.  Balto is adventurous, suspenseful and wondrous to behold.  I’m always amazed at what animators can accomplish.  Not my favorite animated feature but definitely worthy.

Balto II:  Wolf Quest

Not the worst direct-to-video sequel let alone sequel period.  Contains unnecessary singing prevalent in direct-to-video animated sequels but almost as much adventure as its predecessor.  This time one of Balto’s daughters (the only one that looks more wolf) endures the same insecurities he once did of being a mixed breed upon learning of her ancestry.  The ultimate message is that there’s a place in this world for everyone no matter who or what you are.

Balto III:  Wings of Change

Still not terrible considering it’s a second direct-to-video sequel.  Taking place in the late 1920’s during airmail’s infancy, the sled dogs (including Balto’s son) feel like they might be useless once mail is entirely delivered by plane.  A race is set between the pilot and dogs to deliver mail to a nearby town and back to see which delivery method is quicker.  Something happens on the return route and Balto once again saves the day.  The message here would be to retain the old ways as modern advancements are apt to fail as proven here.

In conclusion:  While it may not be the best trilogy, it certainly makes for a decent family marathon.  Luckily it ended at three, unlike The Land Before Time (I never saw a single sequel) or those live-action Air Bud movies and its rip-offs.  I’m not sure whether to tell you to watch these now while it’s cold out and you’re in the comfort of your warm home, or during the summer to “cool” you off.  I personally always thought it was cozier to watch movies set during winter during winter in the comfort of my warm home.  Plus, I was born in Alaska so these movies should resonate with me.  Whatever, I only lived there until I was 2.  1/8/2017

---Sean O.

Let's take a trip to Salem's Lot...

Here's my review of Salem's Lot, its sequel and remake:

Salem’s Lot (1979)

The TV movie based on Stephen King’s vampire opus directed by the legendary Tobe Hooper (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Poltergeist, Eaten Alive).  Not the best adaptation (or story for that matter) but certainly far from the worst.  The vampires are generally creepy.  Old school make-up consisting of fangs and contacts were just enough to work.  Twilight pussies these vamps are not!  This definitely aged and shows in the editing when the screen pauses and goes black during several vampire attacks.  All in all, it’s a rather faithful adaptation with a few minor details omitted.  Worth watching.

A Return to Salem’s Lot

Technically only a sequel in name.  It’s actually not that bad though.  It’s gorier and (prematurely) dispels some of the myths that modern movies try to do.  The vampires aren’t as cool or creepy; one looks like a mask bought from a clearance bin.  Similar to the first, it’s far from being the worst vampire movie.  Diverting in the least.

Salem’s Lot (2004)

I remember watching this when it premiered.  I was actually alive unlike when the original aired.  This 3-hour miniseries is fairly faithful to the literary material as well with more included and some parts rearranged.  Average adaptation with faster vampires looking modern compared to the old-school bloodsuckers of Hooper’s version.  Personal faves this time are the undead school bus and the death by table saw after falling through the stairs.

In conclusion:  I finished reading Salem’s Lot not that long ago, so naturally I had to watch the movie again.  My OCD made me seek out the sequel plus re-watch the remake.  If you’re looking for quality, this might not be the best series to view, but if you’re an open-minded horror fiend like me, this franchise should satisfy your cinematic bloodlust just fine.  12/18/2016

---Sean O.

I'm..dreaming of a black...christmas!

Burn up any evidence with a nice cozy fire and relax with this double dose of yuletide jeer!  Season's Screamings!

Black Christmas (1974)

Just in time for the holidays!  This slasher film from the Great White North predated all the American classics like Halloween, Friday the 13^th and all their imitators.  This seminal flick is underrated, overlooked and one of the best!  It might even be one of my favorite horror movies period.  I’m a huge fan of merging beauty with tragedy and what better way to take a festive time like Christmas and involve murders in a sorority house?  A title like Black Christmas is awesome in that it simplistically signifies the juxtaposition of the macabre and majestic.  One of the first serious film analyses I wrote in college in the early 2000s was for this movie.  (Sorry, I don’t have a copy of that.  You’ll have to contact my Film History teacher, if he even still has it).  I was initially turned onto this movie years ago when I read Phil Anselmo (Pantera, Down, Superjoint Ritual and many other side projects) mention this was one of his favorite horror movies.  I rented it on VHS (well that should tell you how long ago that was), fell in love at first sight and loved it since.  Amazing how hard it was to trace a phone call just 40 years ago!  The ambiguity of the killer’s identity and his various POV shots add to the overall effectiveness.  Additional applause for never having any sequels like so many other iconic slasher films.  Be sure to kick back this holiday season with this stylish, chilling (like a Canadian winter) and completely meritorious (should-be) holiday classic.

Black Christmas (2006)

Well, I hated the idea of this remake upon hearing of it, hated it when I first saw it and lumped it in with other pointless remakes like coal in a stocking.  Well, I watched it again a few years after that and didn’t hate it as much.  Perhaps my initial contempt stemmed from my love for the original?  Comparisons are instinctual but I’ve definitely become more lenient with different adaptations, especially book-to-film.  I’ve seen this maybe four or five times now and it definitely gets better each time.  It’s so well shot and provides plenty of the red stuff.  It’s quite disturbing at times too.  Plus, I’ve always been a fan of horror movies set around Christmastime (as long as they’re actually good, well-made and involve mayhem of some kind).  I still dislike how Billy the faceless killer is given a backstory here.  That’s the primary problem with remakes.  The ambiguity of yesteryear’s originals are what made them so great.  We don’t need to know what Michael Myers’ childhood was like before going psycho.  We don’t need to see Jason Voorhees before going psycho.  No need to even mention the Nightmare on Elm Street remake.  I believe if I never saw nor heard of the original Black Christmas, I would’ve liked this much better.  I would add it to my list of Christmas horror favorites.  Still doesn’t come close to the original and I have some reservations overall, but I’d say include it in a holiday horror marathon.  Just watch the original first if you haven’t already.  11/22/2016

---Sean O.

Goddamn those Japanese houses!

Hausu (House)                                                            OK/G

The first time I saw this Japanese horror/comedy/fantasy I thought it was too silly and uber-bizarre.  Especially since I watched it based on horror writers (Rue Morgue in particular) praising it.  Well, it still is goofy and very outlandish but undeniably like no other haunted house film I’ve ever seen nor (most likely) will ever see.  I did appreciate it more with a liberal mindset and can’t deny it’s entertaining in the least.  The soundtrack adds to the idiosyncratic tone which sounds like it belongs in a 70’s comedy sitcom.  Funny how certain characters aren’t thrown off by some of the supernatural occurrences at first, like when one of the girls uses kung-fu against flying logs as if that’s the normal thing to do.  I have a feeling this would continually grow on me upon each viewing.  After all, I was initially turned off by the slapstick of Evil Dead 2 but now it’s one of my favorite horror movies.  While this doesn’t have the overall horror and excessive gore of Evil Dead 2, it’s still imaginative and trippy.  (This was released a decade before Sam Raimi’s worthy sequel).  I could never conceive the manic fantastical elements on display.  Of particular note are a piano eating a girl and the house becoming a blood river spewing from a cat painting.  Very eccentric and far from my first choice of viewing but, damn it, there’s nothing else quite like it!  11/19/2016

---Sean O.

Let's all go to Halloweentown!

Halloweentown                                                           OK

Cheeseball award goes to….this initial film for a corny Disney movie franchise?  Nah, there’s probably other candidates for that.  Yes, this is as cheesy as cheese can get, even for a kiddy flick.  The monsters in the titular town are goofy and the special effects are lame, but it’s mildly amusing and 100% harmless.  I liked the big town pumpkin.  11/1/2016

Halloweentown II:  Kalabar’s Revenge                      OK

This one was a little better than the first one.  I liked that they didn’t make the same movie twice.  It might be that is was also directed by Mary Lambert who made Pet Sematary and Pet Sematary Two (classics in my mind).  Still far from classic status but there’s more going on this round to slightly elevate interest.  I liked the shrunken head walkie-talkies.  11/1/2016

Halloweentown High                                                  EH/OK

It’s tough enough being a human freak in high school.  Imagine being a literal freak (disguised as humans initially).  Age-old tale about basing people on their personality over outward appearance.  Blah, blah, blah.  I liked the giant animatronic (at first, then CGI) skeleton from the haunted house.  Slightly.  11/3/2016

Return to Halloweentown                                           EH

A different actress plays the oldest witch sister this time.  The girl from the previous three couldn’t do one more?  She probably foresaw the series losing steam and didn’t want to waste her time.  No, the franchise isn’t spectacular to begin with but this fourth entry was simply too many.  Its corny factor reached an all-time high (higher than the two characters flying the broom over Witch University---in which the brother and sister attend in…well, the title should explain where).  Otherwise it’s more of a lame teen movie with monsters being additional cast members.  Thank badness they stopped here.  11/3/2016

In conclusion:  I saw the first two Halloweentown movies about a decade ago and didn’t remember much other than being cheesy family-friendly movies.  My current opinion hasn’t necessarily changed.  Sure, I’ve seen worse.  Plus, they were all free on demand.  Overall, Halloweentown may be a nice place to visit briefly.  Every decade or so.

---Sean O.

The hills are aliiiiiiiiiive.....and they have eyes.....

The Hills Have Eyes (1977)                                        G

Pretty good “survival” horror flick from the late 70’s directed by the late Wes Craven.  Not the best of the decade or by the filmmaker but still has that gritty, harrowing aspect that made most of those post-“flower power” years so great.  I met the bald mutant that plays Pluto…nice guy.  I also met Wes Craven and Dee Wallace.  R.I.P. Wes.

The Hills Have Eyes, Part 2 (1985)                            EH

Subpar sequel picking up where the first left off, also directed by Mr. Craven.  Infamous amongst horror fans for having a recollection by a dog, this is ultimately pretty bad.  It almost fits the so-bad-its-good category.  It’s pretty much a typical slasher indicative of the decade without a mystery to the killer(s) identity.  Ironic coming from the same guy that would call out common tropes of the subgenre a decade later with the Scream franchise.

The Hills Have Eyes (2006)                                        OK

Just watch the original and add this to the unnecessary remake pile.  Made for modern audiences (ten years ago) but slower (?!) than the 1977 film.  The only thing I can say I liked better this time was the bloody violence.  The gore is just right, not too grotesque and not too discreet.  It doesn’t happen often but when it does, this horror freak was very happy.  The villains looked too much like cast members of the Wrong Turn series. Only instead of inhabiting the West Virginia woods, they’re desert-dwellers and not necessarily inbred but victims of radiation. 

The Hills Have Eyes 2 (2007)                                     B

Considering the original sequel to the original film wasn’t spectacular, did you really think this sequel to the not-so-great remake would be any good?  It doesn’t make the original sequel any better than it is, but I would absolutely tell people to waste their time with that over this garbage.  I can’t believe Wes Craven actually involved himself with this!  I have a feeling if this was made posthumously, he’d be rolling over and over in his grave!  9/14/2016

---Sean O.

Pre-Rings

Bad Taste                                                                    G

Peter Jackson.  The man behind the Lord of the Rings trilogy and the Hobbit movies.  Does anyone even know of his filmography before those fantasy epics?  Sure, you might remember The Frighteners, but do you remember before that?  This is his debut about an alien invasion in a small New Zealand town.  The aliens (which are actually pretty gnarly looking despite a few goofy aspects) initially disguise as humans to harvest Earthlings for their flesh to take back to their planet for food.  The aliens eating a bowl of green puke is definitely in bad taste (!) but this gory first-feature from the Academy Award-winning director is lots of fun.  His third feature, Dead Alive, is even gorier than this (in the unrated version) but do (also) check out that wild zombie flick that should be seen at least once.  One word:  Lawnmower.  7/28/2016

---Sean O.

Here There Be Tiger

Burning Bright                                                            VG/E

One of the best natural horror movies that came out less than ten years ago!  Here there be (real) tiger(s), no CGI (according to a featurette, the only CGI regrettably added was saliva coming from the feline’s mouth).  Briana Evigan (whom I love and would definitely fuck if I was straight, I like all of her movies even if they aren’t that great---Sorority Row, S. Darko---solely on her presence) is stuck inside her boarded-up home during a hurricane with her autistic little brother.  A tiger is let loose into the house, for reasons gradually explained, before the front door is nailed shut in time for the storm.  Keeping the majority of the film in one location with two actors works really well.  This film is proof that sometimes simplicity pays off.  Tiger POV shots are creepy and most of the film is suspenseful and realistically frightening.  I felt as if I were in the house the whole time.  This really could happen, most likely with deadlier results.  I’ve seen this about ten times and its never gotten old or less suspenseful.  7/28/2016

---Sean O.

What do you expect with a title like that?

Ticked-Off Trannies with Knives                                 OK/G

The title says it all.  Well, the Ticked-Off Trannies part applies to the whole thing; the with Knives part comes into play during the last 20 minutes (give or take).  Generally a fun movie with some slow and unnecessary parts.  Three trans women are attacked by three straight (transphobic and possibly homophobic) men at a warehouse putting one in a coma.  They eventually have their revenge with the titular weapons and the movie certainly delivers in that regard.  I don’t get turned on by trans peeps but after watching movies like this, I don’t think I ever want to tick one off either.  7/17/2016

---Sean O.

Careful who you pick on!

Elephant                                                                      VG

Loosely based on the Columbine massacre made four years after it happened.  Is it right to like a movie based on such a tragedy?  Probably not, but the media is supposed to be a (slightly skewed) reflection of reality.  Contains several of Gus Van Sant’s signature long takes but fits the scant 80-minutes.  I would’ve liked more stories but I somehow think it was properly approached with unknown actors to depict how ordinary lives can become shattered within seconds.  Powerful.  Deep.  Good stuff.  7/9/2016

---Sean O.

John Hughes, meet George Romero!

Dance of the Dead                                                      G

Zombies are overdone.  This is one of the better post-Millennium entries.  So what sets this apart from the incessant “walking dead” releases?  Like any genre or subgenre, it’s hard to be original.  So with zombie films (arguably any horror film), there has to be good characters, creative kills, effective use of setting, be scary or suspenseful and ultimately how it’s executed.  This movie has all of that.  It begins as a teen movie with interesting characters I wouldn’t mind seeing in a straight comedy.  The dead eventually rise (as a result of the town being next to a power plant?) so various cliques band together to escape and exterminate the “rotters” on the way to prom.  The gory bits and zombie make-up are well-done.  Rock music temporarily saves the day too!  Prom is so overrated.  Skip it and watch this instead, you’ll probably have more fun!  7/6/2016

---Sean O.

Psycho Bitch

May                                                                             G

Bloody independent horror done right!  It’s always the weird quiet ones that are crazy, isn’t it?  The titular character is certainly off her rocker.  It brings to light the different types of crazy:  people that appear to be by having morbid fascinations (Adam) and the ones that actually are (May).  “If you can’t find a friend, make one.”  That’s a phrase spoken more than once, so guess how a psycho would interpret that.  One of the victims sports a cinematic monster tattoo indicating where this twisted early 21^st century film cribbed from.  I want that Suzie doll too!  6/24/2016

---Sean O.

Lycantrilogy

Ginger Snaps Trilogy:

Ginger Snaps                                                              G

The werewolf subgenre is definitely undervalued and underrepresented in horror and admittedly not my favorite part of the genre, but I still watch them as I love all monsters differently.  Other than An American Werewolf in London and The Howling, this Canadian film is probably one of the best.  Equal parts dark teen film and bloody horror flick, lycanthropy metaphorically ties in with female puberty.  Stars Emily Perkins (the little girl from It) and Katharine Isabelle (later making a name for herself in the horror genre---Google her filmography) and became a cult hit followed by two sequels.  Check it out!  6/21/2016

 Ginger Snaps 2:  Unleashed                                       G

A worthy sequel to the Canadian werewolf film Ginger Snaps, this time focusing on the surviving sister, Brigitte.  Mistakenly put into rehab for a drug addiction, she really injects wolfsbane to keep her lycanthropic transformations at bay.  With the help of a younger girl that can’t seem to separate reality from fantasy and “always wanted a sister,”  Brigitte escapes to a house in the woods and prepares for the creature’s inevitable arrival.  We learn the creature’s true intentions.  May not be as good as the first, but it comes close and is bloody good fun!  6/23/2016

 Ginger Snaps Back:  The Beginning                           OK/G

A prequel set in the early 19^th century involving the same Fitzgerald sisters as the first two movies.  Certainly the most "gothic" of the series, the film is well-shot and the set design looks great.  Drags sporadically but decent overall and rewards horror fans with a sanguineous finale.  Plus, Hugh Dillon stars.  I love Hugh Dillon, even though I prefer him bald.  6/23/2016

In conclusion, this is a worthy franchise.  It makes me appreciate practical effects considering everything is handled via CGI nowadays with predominantly subpar results.  Have a feminist Canadian werewolf marathon!

Class dismissed...unfortunately

Gravedale High                                                          G

Memories.  I can’t believe this animated series from the end of 1990 only lasted one season (13 episodes)!  This cartoon was a significant part of my childhood.  I vividly recollect watching this every Saturday morning when I was in second grade.  It was the only time I remember my older sister ever getting up earlier than usual on a weekend (to watch it)…back then we only had one TV in the house like most families.  I still somewhat enjoyed it after recently watching all the episodes.  Nostalgia?  I don’t know.  As of now, the show isn’t available to buy (I have a bootleg copy of the entire series if anyone wants to borrow, or come on over and we’ll have a marathon!).  The series involved a high school class of characters based on classic monsters including a Werewolf, Mummy Chick, Little Frankenstein, Medusa Chick, Zombie Chick, Gill Man, Invisible Man, Ghoul and Vampire all taught by a human teacher voiced by Rick Moranis (Ghostbusters; Honey, I Shrunk the Kids; The Flintstones and various other 80s/90s movies).  At one time, during the time, McDonald’s even had toys for some of the characters.  Don’t believe me?  Google it!  I wish I still had those toys.  Internet is calling...If Duzer (Medusa Chick) was here she would tell me to “Get a life!”  6/16/2016

Don't get lost...

Labyrinth                                                                     G

This film is totally 80s.  From the soundtrack to the costumes to the set design to the animatronic creatures.  If remade, and I won’t be surprised if it happens, everything will probably be CGI.  Seeing films like this make me appreciate on-camera effects.  Some of the creatures are annoying and hideous but, overall, this film is fun and imaginative.  I really like the soundtrack too.  R.I.P. Goblin King (David Bowie).  6/12/2016

Stockholm Syndrome?

Beauty and the Beast                                                   VG

Is it really Stockholm syndrome?  Belle did offer to take her father’s place as prisoner and the Beast managed to let her escape more than once.  This early ‘90s Disney movie is still good after all these years from when I first saw it upon being released, when Disney films were still completely hand-drawn.  I’m glad I was actually alive and aware to remember this final period (before the late ‘90s) of excellent Disney movies.  This is one of the best complete with catchy songs, well-drawn animation, memorable characters, suspense and a Peter Steele-looking character.  Basically, beauty is found within---a tale as old as time (wink, wink).  Timeless!  6/10/2016

Triplegeist

Poltergeist/Poltergeist II/Poltergeist III                       VG/OK/G

Anytime I watch a movie that’s part of a franchise, I always have to watch the entire franchise if accessible (no matter how bad some segments may be).  Here, we have Poltergeist which definitely ranks up there as one of the best haunted house films.  Suspenseful in its entirety, frightening for some (not this viewer though) and contains an evil clown doll!  Still good after all these years.  Poltergeist II: The Other Side isn’t the worst sequel I’ve seen.  It has its moments but ultimately suffers from “sequel-itis.”  Still better than the recent Poltergeist remake though.  Finally, there’s Poltergeist III, which I think is better than part II.  Well-shot with some eerie moments throughout.  In conclusion, this trilogy is certainly worthy.  If you’ve never seen Poltergeist, I don’t know what the hell you’re waiting for!  While you’re at it, give the two sequels a shot and have a Poltergeist day!  Skip the remake though!  6/7/2016

Review of the Living Dummy

Triloquist                                                                     OK

I’m a fan of killer doll flicks.  They are a rarity.  Ventriloquist dummies are even more of a rarity in the subgenre.  This decent film from the director of Leprechaun about a murderous dummy focuses more on the psycho female daughter of the original ventriloquist.  I would’ve appreciated more violence committed by the wooden puppet but until more killer dummy films are Magically made, I guess I should be grateful there even is an evil cinematic dummy other than Slappy in the Goosebumps adaptation.  6/4/2016

Let's go to Korea...

The Host                                                                      VG

Korean creature feature that’s still as good as when I saw it theatrically for the first time almost ten (?!) years ago.  The film doesn’t waste any time getting right into the action.  The creature is very absurd (like a tadpole created by H.P. Lovecraft with a Venus fly trap-like mouth), as a result of formaldehyde being dumped into the Han River; but the swift amphibious behemoth will definitely fuck you up and cause a bloody rampage!  Entertaining!  6/4/2016